Day 12...hmmm what to rename these

Today I went back to work, behind but quickly caught up and now waiting for the other people to enter in my reports.  Yep, story of my life.

My headache is finally gone!  YES!!! 4 days, a bunch of pain meds later it's finally gone!  Sore throat is still there and my voice fades in and out but hey at least my headache is gone.

My mom and sister had lunch with my daughter today (late birthday present for her) and I guess my mom gave my sister some papers leaving her in charge if something were to happen during the surgery she's having done today.

I'm not bugged by this, to be honest I have a lot to deal with but to be put after my brother-in-law, that hurts.  Both my husband and my sister's husband should have been last on the list, not second.  I'm family! They don't want to make a hard choice regarding my mother's health.  I'm sorry but who other than family should do that?

I may have kids, but I have always been there if my family needed me, always been the first to step up for anything important, yet I'm last on her list.  I guess that really says where I fit in in her eyes...yes folks it hurts but hey it's been like that for a long time so I've dealt with the pain.

Maybe that's where my numbness comes from, always putting my feelings aside to make others happy.

Well, it's that time again, time to shut it down and head home to the people that love me...

Day 11 of working on myself

Maybe I should change the name of these posts or I'm at some point going to have 1000+.

Monday, I was sick so I stayed home in bed almost the whole day except when we took the baby to school...which made me feel sooo bad for doing.  He cried and sat on the ground while we drove away.  It's heart breaking to see him like that. :0(

My banana cream pie, still untouched should eat it tonight I think.

Day 10 of working on myself

I wasn't able to post or really type at all this weekend.  If I wasn't dealing with a sick baby I was dealing with my own sickness and my husband's.

That's right, Mother's Day and I got sick.  Not just sick, major headache, fever, sore throat...the works.  My Mother's Day consisted of watching my husband (who got up after I went to bed and went to the living room) sleep on the couch.  I wake up to day 2 of my headache with no end in site and I got in the shower, hoping to release it some, didn't work.  Go out to the living room, see hubby sleeping, and the door unlocked.

My oldest left the house and my middle child was still sleeping so I yelled at her to get up (it was 8:30 by this time).  She told me she had already taken her meds and that my husband had seen them both in fact take their meds.  Ok, fine so she went back to bed?  I don't think so!  Get your lazy butt up!

The baby and I go and sit on  the couch, watching tv...his fave show of course...when my older kid walks in about 9:30 like nothing was going on.

He then starts to tell Cyndi that she didn't get up in time so she shouldn't be eating breakfast rule is if your not up by 8:00 no breakfast and lunch isn't until 11:3-12).  I don't want the kitchen to be an all day eat-fest with a few minutes between here and there where they try to sneak in a snack.  Sorry KITCHEN IS CLOSED!

He like me wasn't around when she got up so he figured the same thing, that she didn't get up, but in cause your wondering, I am the mom and he doesn't need to remind her so I told him she was awake before 8 and to stop bugging her.

Off to a great start! Hubby, still sleeping through all this, doesn't budge.

I get the baby's meds and mine and make sure he takes them, then I start to make him some breakfast...hot oatmeal, because it's easy on his throat.  He eats almost all of it 1 /2 packets) and wants down, I eat a different kind at the same time as he doesn't like me eating if he's on the floor.

So we're both done eating and I clean up our dishes, mind you neither kid has done their chores as of yet and we go back to watching tv.  He's getting tired so I look for his sippy and his blanket and start walking back to the bedroom, he follows me he's my shadow on the weekends) and watches me make his bed, put his stuffies on there and he grabs his chicka from the living room and put her to bed then crawls in next to her.  Yep, he does this each time we put him to bed now.

He loves the fact that he can get in and out of his bed without our help.  He doesn't get up and play with stuff, unless he's not really tired and that has only happened 1 maybe 2 times since we changed his bed over.

I go back out into the living room, hubby is now awake, and start to watch tv (shows I've recorded over the past week or so). Now everyone wants something from me...both kids want to play on the computer, ipad etc. I tell them thank you all very much for making this day such a great day for me.  Hubby yells at the kids for making me feel like shit and not thinking of me on Mother's Day....umm yeah, he yells at them but he's the one who slept in most of the day.  We're both sick, but I'm still up doing stuff for my family because if I don't it won't get done.

Well, a few hours go by, baby wakes up and comes back to my lap. Dinner time is almost upon us now.  Hubby tells me he has to go to the store and asked me what I wanted for dinner...I said it doesn't matter.  My daughter had left during this time and was gone about an hour.  He goes to the store, picks up a few bags of stuff and walks back in the door a few steps in front of my very hot and sweaty daughter.  He saw her walking and just let her walk the rest of the way...nice guy right?  It's like 100 outside and he lets her walk home.

She took her only money, walked down to the store and got me fudge cookies (which melted on the way back so she stuck them in the freezer before giving them to me) and a card that she made...last minute but hey she at least did something for me.  I told her tank you for both, then she hands me a box, with a few things inside...most of which I had given her over the past few years...ok now she's trying too hard.  The thought was there but sorry don't regift something that was given to you by the person your giving it to...it's just wrong.  I told her it was a nice idea but I don't need them.

How do you tell someone nicely that it's rude?

I'm not sure if there is a nice way to say it really and not hurt the other person's feelings.

Dinner was beef brisket, red potatoes, veggies and rolls, he got me a banana cream pie for desert but I still wasn't feeling too well so we didn't have it.

Yes, that was Mother's Day for me.  What can I say, my family loves me...at times. lol

Day 9 of working on myself

The past few days I have been busy so I haven't been able to really post on here. I have a sick baby and husband at home and for the past few days I have been taking NyQuil at night and it leaves me drained the next day, by the time it wears off it's time to go home and I have a few things to do before I do that.

So needless to say I haven't had the energy to type. Ok there, I said it, I got lazy...better?

I'll finish this later...so until then...to be continued

Day 8 of working on myself

Emotions.

Its a big meaningful word but can hide so much. I sit at work as I type these posts and I keep telling myself that doing it helps me a little more every day.

My emotions or lack there of (most of the time) is really hard for me to explain to people and for me to tell my therapist that I don't feel some kind of connection to my loved ones leaves me feeling more empty inside.

It's Wednesday, I still have a long way to go but after yesterday's visit I didn't feel like writing on my blog but wanted to share some today. A person who drinks is told to take it one day at a time, what do you do if you feel like your emotions are locked in a safe? Is there a safe cracker out there for the emotionally locked up?

So as I close out this blog (heading home in less than 10 minutes), I want to give you all something to think about.

Why is it that I can feel sad or cry when I see or read a sad story online or TV) but I can't cry about my "family friends" or family members? Maybe the answer will come out one of these days, I just hope it's soon. I feel like I'm failing as a parent all over again.

Day 7 of working on myself

Today is Monday, bring it on!

So umm yeah, work was not what I expected, in fact far less than I expected. On average I get most work over the weekend so when I come in on Monday I have a zillion reports to prep for a massive sending spree on Tuesday. This week? I had a total of 12 reports to send and all on different trains. Now I'm getting use to my coworkers not giving me much, but for a Monday? This was my slowest EVER!

On a brighter side, I got Hulu Plus to work so I was able to catch up on some shows. lol

Man I need a better job, one that really works people, not one that lets us do nothing all day. How can a company let 11 people do that and that's just this yard, I'm not sure about the other yards. I hear this one does more...how?

We have a bunch of people sitting in the office all morning and not doing any work, and the sad thing is...they all make more than me!

Yeah I know, some of you are saying this is a dream job, or it's a paying job, but honestly, it makes my day feel like it's going on forever. Like it's never going to end...help!!

Ok, on that note...time to go! :0)

Day 6 of working on myself

So far I'm a day behind but I figured the weekends would be hard to work on but I am trying.

SO this weekend my husband started playing World of Warcraft, or as they say WOW. Yeah I agree, big wow. To me it looks like a more advanced, yet boring, version of Diablo. You get to design who you want to be if you have the program or money to do so). You can buy items, much like you can with the SIM's 3, but in reality, it's a very expensive computer game to play. I like simple, you buy a game you play a game and if you get bored can stop and play again when your ready to. Not these, when I want and have the money to play I can, if not I lose out on any money I pay...to me that's just dumb.

I do like the graphics, but all in all, I'm fine with the SIM 3 and Diablo lll, they can have the game that charges per month, I just don't want to be the one paying for it all the time...smh.

Day 5 of working on myself

I didn't post this yesterday as I was sitting with a sick baby all day.

The night before (Friday night) we were all eating dinner when we noticed Anthony wasn't eating much and he felt a little warm. We gave him some children's medicine to bring it down and put him to bed. That was at 7:00. By 11:00 we heard him crying. I went back to check on him and he was very hot. Temp was 102.7 so we rushed him to the ER. A few hours later we got released to go home, his temp was down to 101.0 by 2am. He went right to sleep and woke up with yet another high fever.

He sat in my arms all day, fading to sleep here and there. Today he's doing fine, temp is back down to a normal level and he's playing around with his toys.

Day 4 of working on myself

Today I'm going to talk about the one thing I just can't understand.

As a parent with only 1 of my parents ever having been a part of my life I have a big problem understanding how a parent could disown a child for reasons that make them disabled. My older kids, being disabled is rather hard for some people to understand. My son, Bi-polar, Anger Management issues, had a stroke at the age of 9 (some of my family say 7, either way it was a medication induced coma leading to stroke) and because of the stroke has a speech problem and learning problem. He has a low IQ, (but who doesn't now days, right?) but he wants to be able to do things like play basket ball (even if he sucks at it), be an Auto Mechanic so he can pick up on girls), get a job and move out on his own so no one can tell him what to do anymore.

Ok so those are good goals, but lets face it, he'll never really be able to do any of them. He does play basket ball at home with the neighbors (but he really does suck at it). Being an Auto Mechanic? No, I'm sorry but I just don't see that happening at any time in my lifetime. It's not that he couldn't do it if he really wanted to, I believe anyone can do something if they try...try, that's a big 3 letter word, try. My son will not try. We told him since he likes going to the library to check out repair books and try to read them. He checks out books and they sit, untouched for 2 weeks, then go back slightly dusty). When my husband works on one of our cars, (simple things like install a radio/sub, change the oil, check fuses, air filter...very simple things) my son doesn't go and watch or try to help in any way.

When I was growing up I would be right there, watching and learning. I can do most things when it comes to cars and if I can't do it I'll at least know what's wrong so I can tell if I'm getting screwed by the "real" mechanic or not (thank you mom for letting me know they will try to take money for nothing...lesson very well learned over the years).

With him not doing that, he wants to go to school...I have to take off time to help him get all that set up...bosses aren't as understanding as kids when you tell them "Hey I need to go take my 21 and 20 year olds to the school and get them signed up in classes". Yeah, sorry I may not love my job anymore, but at least I still have one, that until I find a replacement for, will have to do.

Ok, now on to my ever so loving and kind hearted daughter. Yep, the whole reason for this blog is her. Her dad and I were together for close to 14 years. In that time the kids went to live with my mom, my choice not his, because face it I couldn't handle everything and it was making me more depressed than I am even now. They went to life with her from the age of 4 on and in that time I would go see them, no matter where I lived, I would go see them just about every weekend if not every weekend...even while I was working. My "husband" only went because I went only 1 car). After we split, he saw the kids, yes kids once a month if that. Now it's been 6 years give or take, since we split. In that time my son got moved to a school in Utah for 3 years. I would be there every other month for the first year and every 6 months after that because it got to be too costly on me but I would talk to him on the phone 2 sometimes 3 times a week.

His father? Saw him 1 time he was in Vegas with a chick he had met and made a small side trip to see his son...Father of the year that man is!...he never called that I know of, if he did it was maybe 1 time.

My daughter never left the State for school or anything else and she only saw her father maybe 4 times in the same 6 years and each one of those times, he was with his girlfriend (now ex) and sat in the garage and drank beer with my mom's ex husband (very long story). I was living in the house with my daughter so I was always there even if I wasn't "the parent" at the time, we still did stuff, granted not as much as we should have and I'm sorry to say that was my fault, but hey I didn't say I was Mother of the Year or anything.

Now skip ahead a few years, I had another son, my ex got married. Neither of his kids were invited to the wedding and in fact my son was still out of State at the time so he didn't even get to meet her before the wedding. She's a real umm piece of work that one. She's older than him, not sure how much and to be honest I could care less...at least he's not still dating someone his mothers age, or his kids's age not joking).

He and his "new" wife, helped us out a lot when my son came back home. Now 18 years old, a major pain in the butt, but home and refusing to take medication (when he was living at my moms), forced to at my house. We moved and had nothing, nothing at all but a few baby items and our clothes. His wife found a church online somewhere, got on a mailing list and found us a bed, dining table, entertainment center and a friend of theirs gave us some cabinets, fridge that didn't work after it came to us, but it was a nice thought) and a few other things. So yeah they helped us out. My daughter (who I had been fighting for custody over at this time) came to live with us after a few months. Then everything was "fine". Their dad would come see them and even take them back to his house for a few days, this wasn't all the time but more than it had been in the past few years which was great.

Then bam! His wife started to like take over my house. She had to know everything that was going on, what was said, who said it...like she was trying to be my mother or something. They were giving us food from a food-bank he works in, they filled our car once and when we got it home realized we had too much so we gave some of it to another family who needed it (pay it forward when you can). She flipped a gasket over that and cut us off. Now I'm very thankful that for the first year of us living in the apartment, with a new born and 2 teenage kids, we never had to buy diapers (all came from the food-bank), because with that savings we were able to buy a good fridge, couch and a few other things that have our lives better. Now she's pissed that we gave food, that was going to go bad soon to people that had more in 1 apartment than we had and another family that was struggling to put food on the table for their 5 kids (so we helped out 13 other people with the food they gave us for a total of 18 people eating off 1 car load of food).

Ok, she got pissed, I let her have it. I had held back as much as i could and I let her have it. I grew a backbone and told her it's my house and what ever happens in it stays there. Her house (which I have never been to, know where it is or even care about) is hers to tell what to do and when to do it but she can stop telling me what to do. The visits started slowing down for both kids after that. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my ex, everything has to go through her now.

So skip ahead a few years, (3 total) and here we are back in December 2012 (Merry Christmas). My daughter has this problem, she is disabled for a few different reasons, OCD (sorry but really we all have it, just some show more than others...putting CD's in order just being an example), Bi-Polar, Manic Depression, Pathological Lying, and the BIG one, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Yes its very real and not "treatable". So ok,she tells lies all the time and does what she wants (yeah what teenager doesn't right?)

Christmas the kids went to visit my ex's mother (who by the way doesn't even talk to her son or his loving wife because for some reason the wife is mental and no one likes her...got this from a bunch of people by the way). They were there all day and came home, had a great time. Then it comes time for their dad's "visit". His wife texts the kids to tell them Merry Christmas. Not sure how it all went down but they didn't want anything to do with my daughter after the texts. She said something "hurtful" to his wife that his mother had said and I guess it was lies so she was told she's not welcome over there anymore.

Ok, hey it's Christmas and his wife is being a bitch to my kids? Nope, I don't think so. Then she tells me that I need to have my daughter locked up and take her phone away from her. Ok, took phone, but not locking her up because of stupid stuff.

A few months go by, it's now April...wow the days just fly by don't they? April my son gets a text from her and she wants him to come visit for the weekend of the 22nd (after his birthday on the 11th but before my daughters on the 27th). They want him to help with their yardsale (moving again). She sent me a text telling me that my ex will pick him up on the 21st around noonish. A few hours go by and I get a nasty text from her telling me my daughter is psycho and she's now blocked from calling or texting either of them anymore and that I need to have her committed big time. I had no idea what happened to bring this text to me so I asked...man.

(Texts from my daughter and his wife)

Now I can't tell you anything before this next set because it's been removed from my daughter phones but here's the last of their convo:

Wife: Dad dumped dana at a homeless shelter...Was never stabbed...Your are nutz!!

Daughter: He was stabbed in the leg by his ex. He sold her the knife.

Daughter: That's a lie. Dana was never in one. She's sane and doing fine.

Daughter: Ask my mom. He was stabbed and he was dumped.

Wife: Dad blocked you...and I'm doing the same. You are not welcome in our life anymore. Goodbye.

Wife: Shut the fuck up...You are mistaken just luke (like from what I can get) all your lies...Nasty, hateful bitch. You can only blame yourself.

Daughter: Geez u don't even realize he has a stab wound? Long jagged scar on his leg. He ws never attacked by a dog.

Ok so that's the last of their convo dated April 2, 2013 at 7:19 P.M. (I can post pictures for anyone claiming this never took place.

After that I told my daughter to just stop talking to her and then she went off on me. My daughter, went off on me. Told me that I'm a terrible mother, that I don't punish her correctly...blah blah blah.

I told her to leave my house. She and her brother in the past have just walked around the complex and after about 20 minutes would come back and say they were sorry...she left. I mean really left. An hour later and a phone call to the cops later there was still no word from her. I called her boyfriend and said if she shows up there to let me know and we waited. Nothing, no one heard or saw from her. I went out in the car looking, her boyfriend and his brother went walking, looking for her and still nothing.

Cops came to the house, told me she's over 19 and not missing just run off and can't do anything for now. then I get a call from a Church telling me she's there and wants to come home.

My husband went and picked her up, brought her home and told me he was taking her to arrowhead to have her locked up...her choice. She wanted it.

Now the whole reason I started this blog. My daughter now 20, was disowned by her father, granted he wasn't around much, but he still see's and talks to his son who lives in the same house as his daughter. How can you do that to you kids? Don't you see how this would cause more problems for a brother and sister that already fight? Not seeing one isn't "fair" to the other. They are both "children" (mentally) and doing this to them is a hard thing for them to deal with. I know they need to grow up but would you do that to your kids? At any age?

How could a parent do that to their child.

In my daughter's defense, he was stabbed by a knife he GAVE his ex. She cheated on him, pissed him off which pissed her off and yes she did stab him. He did drop her off at a mental Institute (months later) and she is doing fine and last I heard had a baby (by someone else who was abusing her).

So there, the longest blog I have ever typed before...can I just say I love my iPad Mini with the fold out keyboard? I downloaded the blogger app and use it to type at work then upload when I get home. Works out great so far. :0)

Day 3 of working on myself

Today I was so bored at work. Someone yesterday lost (misplaced) one of the cameras for work so it left me with very little to do.

So today I was sitting here trying to not fall asleep and thinking. Ok so I have good days and bad days, we all do right? I just wish my good days out numbered my "bad" days. Now my bad days may not be bad for some of you but for me, any day where I'm sad inside is a bad day. I have more of those then I would like at this point.

I want to be happy, I really do. My husband was looking online yesterday (while I was at work) and he was looking up the concerts that I use to go to every year. Most of the concerts have stopped coming to California. I'm talking Mayhem, I loved going to that. This year, crappy bands that I would not be willing to pay to see. Out of the line up I heard of 2 that I like, 2! That's the only concert being put on this year that I would have liked to have gone to but I'm not.

Now your saying to yourself, it's a concert. You need to understand, I use to go to at least 5 a year before Anthony was born, 2 after I got preg and none now. Yeah having a child changes your life, but to cut everything out? Maybe that's why I'm getting so depressed lately. I miss out on fun, fun with other people, fun outside of the house, FUN!

I forget what fun is anymore. I use to go out for Starbucks and talk for a few hours every few days, don't do that anymore. I use to go shoot pool here and there with a friend or 2, not anymore...hell the place I use to go to is gone now.

Bowling, they raised the prices and cut back on the breakfast they served with it and now it's even less time for a higher price.

What is this world coming to?! We can't afford to do the stuff we use to so hey I got an idea, raise the prices so even less people can afford to go out. Yeah that's it, HIGHER PRICES FOR EVERYONE! (insert evil laugh here)

Ok yeah it was lame but hey it's true. Car insurance, don't get me started. "The laws have changed, get a new price quote today". Ok so car insurance goes down so more people get it? Ok That would be great if it worked that way. Car insurance goes down, health insurance goes up...DOUBLE for where I work. Hmm don't see a savings there. I know wait...rent. It's the same...oh but then gas is higher and always going up or down. Electric? Hmm, we have been saving on our monthly bill the past few months. Cable? No...that went up and got crappy. Internet? Hmm lost it at work, but hey I got better stuff at home now than I do on my phone...ok there's a plus. Food. Did you know that a family of 5, (4 adults and 1 child) eat about $600-$800 a month in food? That's not including if we go out, that's just at home and taking my lunch to work (side note, need better lunches for work...getting tired of sausage biscuits).

We decided that it's starting to get too hot to cook every night so we wanted to try and make more salads and such. Fruit is so high now that buying fruit and making a fruit salad for dinner is very costly. How do you make dinner, without heating the place up too much?

We'll try to figure that out later. My goal for today is complete. I wrote a blog for yesterday yeah it's short who cares?) and I wrote one for today (I make up for the short one today).

Happy reading everyone!

Day 2 of working on myself.

I didn't post anything yesterday, yeah I know 2 days into my "trying to change" kick and I've already messed it up.

I had planned on doing it when I got home from work then we went to the store and that took a few hours so by the time we got home I was soo tired. We called for pizza and crashed out early.

Working on myself (Day 1)

In the past few weeks a lot has been happening. Not necessarily making me buys but emotionally busy. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago my oldest turned the big 21. On that day a friend passed away. Now I wasn't really close to her but I've known her and the family for about 10 years so we're like family in a way. I have another friend, who is close like family, who's sister has been in the hospital fighting to stay alive for the past few months. She's not doing well and isn't expected to live much longer. She's on hourly blood transfusions so she's not able to leave the hospital and even go home to feel more comfortable.

This past weekend my family went to a baby shower, which happened to be on the same day as my daughter's 20th birthday. Yep, 2 birthdays in the same month, 16 days apart. We all had a really great time there, even my youngest didn't act up and ate cake (which he doesn't normally do).

In the next few weeks a few things are coming up, back to back appointments for me, my daughter and both boys, then I find out last week that my mom is having surgery done today, still no clue why and my sister has been trying really hard to find out.

Work just did their yearly medical meeting, which as for some of my friends know means...higher prices. Now I expect a few bucks here and there but doubling the health coverage is a bit much. I have been with this company for just over 6 1/2 years and barely make $1 more than I started.

I'm tired all the time, I feel my depression getting deeper at times and now I'm getting the feeling that my whole life has been one let down...ok maybe not a let down but for the past week I have been thinking about who I'm close with. Have I ever really loved anyone? I mean I tell people I love you, I have feelings for them but if something were to happen to them, would I cry?

I was talking with my therapist about this, we had just started on the subject but now I can't get my mind off of it. Have I ever really loved? What does that mean? Love, the love that you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest love. No. I can't personally say I have that kind of love for anyone really. I think about what I would feel like if someone I love left me. The thing is, the people I have ever loved in the past have all left me and I could care less about them now.

I can't say that I even miss any of the people from my past. Not my first love, not my first pet, nothing, no one. I have known death for as long as I can remember yet no one that has passed away has really made an impact on my life. I lost pets, many pets, even cried over a few of them but now? Nothing. We had a cat get hit a few years ago when we lived with my mom, had 2 cats put to sleep, one of which I watched (yet felt detached), and 1 dog get put down. I cried when the cat was put down but quickly recovered. Yes, I had stopped crying by the time we walked out and got in the car.

Now sure it wasn't my cat but I had known him since he was a few months old but nothing now. I felt I really loved a guy in the past, had been with him on and off for years and now? I can't say I even miss him anymore. The one person I thought would be a part of my life forever and I don't want him around me.

I got married just over a year ago, yes I wanted it, but now I feel like I'm just in the marriage, not a part of it. Being honest with the ones who love you hurts so much because you see the pain you cause them while your being so very honest about your feelings. I feel numb. How can I stop the numb feeling and start to feel life again?

Maybe if I start putting my emotions down in here again I'll start to feel again. Letting myself know that I felt before may cause me to feel again. Lord knows I'm tired of feeling numb all the time.

My son, the youngest, makes me smile, laugh but I still feel even detached from him. I've noticed I get angry at home more, that's not me.

Love. Love. Love...where are you? Let me feel you again! Come back into my heart so I can feel like a person again. Being sad all the time is not good for anyone.

This is your system on Depression

First, just let me say I'm a little upset now. I had this perfect blog typed and published, then because the preview showed me something I didn't like I closed the window and now it's all gone, so I'm a little worse off than I was before...that being said this is a second attempt to make this blog.

(these next few pictures are from a blog I will post below)

I'm making this blog very personal, something I have done int he past but to this level.

People that have depression, can't tell another person what they feel and have that person understand it.  So in an attempt to help those who don't fully understand I am going to the internet and posting some articles I have found so far.

Article #1:

A girl (I think) was asking how she can help her friend.

How do depressed people feel inside?

I know it sounds like a stupid question, they are obviously feeling down. But one of my close friends is a manic depressive and he always says I’ll never understand how he's feeling. When i ask him to tell me he doesn't. I want to try and understand him, so i was wondering if anyone has had experience with anything like this so i could maybe at least try to understand him. I want to help him.

Here are a few answers they received:

1. When I’m depressed I feel like somebody close to me just died. I feel heavy and weighed down and my heart and stomach actually hurt. I want to cry over everything and can’t take any kind of stress without a having a meltdown.

2. I've been depressed and I can tell you that it's really awful. Everything looks really bleak, you look at yourself and wonder why you even bother because life doesn't feel worth getting up in the morning for and you would rather be dead than carry on. You look at the future and instead of seeing a way out, you just see a load of closed doors.

You can't handle your life anymore, the slightest thing makes you want to cry and never get up again, and you feel stressed all the time and speak to people in ways that normally you wouldn't. You kind of distance yourself from people because you think they won't understand.

You don't feel any motivation anymore to do anything constructive or worthwhile, because it all seems so pointless.

3. Read Kat reply she has it summed up, well almost. It causes you to feel like you want to shut the world out, do not want to speak to anyone, not even shopkeepers. Want to spend time alone. Low self-worth to, because you’re so depressed, the depressed person doesn't care about themselves much, appearance etc. life feels numb to the person, like you’re a tiny ant in a big wasps nest. That’s how i would describe it. Also the days just roll into one and never seem to end, and when you sleep at night you pray that you don't wake up the next morning, all the day to day fight has gone from you, just going through the motions. Unless you've had it yourself, you could never possibly understand what it’s like for that person. Also the person does not want sympathy, as they feel patronized by it, just try to be normal with them and be there when they need you, but don't push or you will alienate the person too. But well done Kat almost spot on.

4. Like nothing ever goes right for them. They feel low, gloomy, sad, miserable, and feel like even though their lives seem to be quite perfect (they might be attractive, have a nice background, have a good job) they still don't feel happy. They usually feel people expect them to be something and that puts huge pressure on them to be "perfect" and they are overly-critical. 

The truth is, if you're not depressed, you never WILL understand someone who is depressed. It's best off if you are just there for your friend when he needs you. He will thoroughly appreciate your friendship.

5. Mental illnesses are hard to sum up and although I know you’re trying to help your friend but he may find it frustrating and think your trying to make it out to be a small problem and one feeling. I suffered from depression from the age of 15 and you can read about my experience if you click on my profile and my answered questions. 

Tell your friend that although you can only try to understand how he is feeling and you may never really know that you’re always there for him and he can always talk to you.

Don't probe too much and he will naturally start to talk to you when he is feeling comfortable giving you a better understanding.  You are a true friend and you are doing all you can even doing research but your friend must help himself first

Article #2:

Adventures in depression

The reason for this blog. For the past 3 almost 4 years I have been suffering from some form of depression. The past year or so has been getting worse.  I'm on the verge of tears, I hate going to work, I hate going home from work and I hate leaving after I get home. The only thing that has made me feel somewhat human is Anthony sitting in my lap, looking at me and smiling. Once he's off my lap, it all returns. 

I am told almost daily that I can switch my mood into a better mood whenever I feel like it and that I choose to be depressed.  I say something and get told I'm wrong, then if that isn't good enough, he goes online and proves to me that I'm wrong, even if I'm half right I'm still wrong. 

I'm depressed, nothing can change my mood, nothing has made it better and telling me that I'm not giving you what you want isn't making me feel better. My feelings are not about you but the way you make me feel makes it worse. I can't show romantic feelings when I don't feel romantic. I've bee married for a little over a year, I should be happy and I'm not. I should want to go home and be with him and I don't.  I shouldn't want to cry all the time, always on the verge and sometimes one sneaks out when I can't hold it back anymore.  I cry over everything, EVERYTHING!

I watch sad movies and can't cry, I read a sad story and can't stop crying.

What is the cause of all this?  I have no clue. Some of it is caused from the medication I have to take for the rest of my life...yes the rest of my life.  My thyroid medication can cause depression and does with most people that take it.  So no I can't switch my mood to make myself happy.  I would like to meet someone that can...until then I'm waiting for the test results from my doctor to see where we go next.