Ramblings of a BiPolar Mind

Feb 19th, 2019

Being bipolar can really suck at times.

You can wake up completely happy then mot even a minute ate be so low that you feel like crying.  Why does this happen? How can I make it stop without being so drugged up that I have no feelings at all?

The medication I was given when I moved out here made me feel more numb than I ever felt before and that was a month after the loss of my dad, the 2nd death in a very long line in a short amount of time.  I had a Eason to feel numb but I didn’t want to so I made bad decisions and tried to feel something, anything and yet here I am 3 years later and now I can’t make that bad decision right.  I have tried to make things work a second time and it’s just not working anymore.  I can’t even “fake it” to make it.  I know I need to talk to someone about everything but then I get accused of making stuff up…long story.

I have tried to tell him that I want him to leave, yes even come straight out and said go and don’t come back but he won’t. He doesn’t make me happy, hasn’t in a while and yet I know it will all be my fault for “leading him on”; for “using him”…and anything else he can come up with to blame me for everything falling apart again. I want life back in me. I want to feel again and I just can’t with him always bringing me down.  What can I do to change things?  How can I make him understand it’s not just him it’s both of us and if I’m not in it emotionally then I can’t be in it physically.  It doesn’t work that way.   I have been accused of “cheating emotionally”, having feelings for other people, other people having feelings for me…I’m tired of it all.  I don’t like being an emotionless rock, a glass wall that can shatter at any minute.  I may show emotions here and there but they aren’t all real. I want real emotions again. 

My youngest makes me happy, but I need more than just his little smiles in my life.  I want friends, real friends not just online ones, but people I can have come over and not feel like I’m going to be accused of cheating because they come over at night. I shouldn’t be afraid to have someone here and being watched on the cameras. They are here for my child’s safety, not to spy on me…yes spy; I said it. That’s how I feel; like I’m being watched in the living room and my son’s room at night.  If I turn them off I get asked why, then accused of doing something I don’t want being watched. They should be off when I’m home and awake. I can see keeping them on while we sleep but they aren’t even recording so it’s kinda pointless to have them on unless you sit there and watch them “live” and then again it’s spying.

Wow this whole thing just made a major turn…me and my bipolar mind.  I think I need to shut it off for now. Thanks for reading…and I know you will.