In the past few weeks a lot has been happening. Not necessarily making me buys but emotionally busy. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago my oldest turned the big 21. On that day a friend passed away. Now I wasn't really close to her but I've known her and the family for about 10 years so we're like family in a way. I have another friend, who is close like family, who's sister has been in the hospital fighting to stay alive for the past few months. She's not doing well and isn't expected to live much longer. She's on hourly blood transfusions so she's not able to leave the hospital and even go home to feel more comfortable.
This past weekend my family went to a baby shower, which happened to be on the same day as my daughter's 20th birthday. Yep, 2 birthdays in the same month, 16 days apart. We all had a really great time there, even my youngest didn't act up and ate cake (which he doesn't normally do).
In the next few weeks a few things are coming up, back to back appointments for me, my daughter and both boys, then I find out last week that my mom is having surgery done today, still no clue why and my sister has been trying really hard to find out.
Work just did their yearly medical meeting, which as for some of my friends know means...higher prices. Now I expect a few bucks here and there but doubling the health coverage is a bit much. I have been with this company for just over 6 1/2 years and barely make $1 more than I started.
I'm tired all the time, I feel my depression getting deeper at times and now I'm getting the feeling that my whole life has been one let down...ok maybe not a let down but for the past week I have been thinking about who I'm close with. Have I ever really loved anyone? I mean I tell people I love you, I have feelings for them but if something were to happen to them, would I cry?
I was talking with my therapist about this, we had just started on the subject but now I can't get my mind off of it. Have I ever really loved? What does that mean? Love, the love that you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest love. No. I can't personally say I have that kind of love for anyone really. I think about what I would feel like if someone I love left me. The thing is, the people I have ever loved in the past have all left me and I could care less about them now.
I can't say that I even miss any of the people from my past. Not my first love, not my first pet, nothing, no one. I have known death for as long as I can remember yet no one that has passed away has really made an impact on my life. I lost pets, many pets, even cried over a few of them but now? Nothing. We had a cat get hit a few years ago when we lived with my mom, had 2 cats put to sleep, one of which I watched (yet felt detached), and 1 dog get put down. I cried when the cat was put down but quickly recovered. Yes, I had stopped crying by the time we walked out and got in the car.
Now sure it wasn't my cat but I had known him since he was a few months old but nothing now. I felt I really loved a guy in the past, had been with him on and off for years and now? I can't say I even miss him anymore. The one person I thought would be a part of my life forever and I don't want him around me.
I got married just over a year ago, yes I wanted it, but now I feel like I'm just in the marriage, not a part of it. Being honest with the ones who love you hurts so much because you see the pain you cause them while your being so very honest about your feelings. I feel numb. How can I stop the numb feeling and start to feel life again?
Maybe if I start putting my emotions down in here again I'll start to feel again. Letting myself know that I felt before may cause me to feel again. Lord knows I'm tired of feeling numb all the time.
My son, the youngest, makes me smile, laugh but I still feel even detached from him. I've noticed I get angry at home more, that's not me.
Love. Love. Love...where are you? Let me feel you again! Come back into my heart so I can feel like a person again. Being sad all the time is not good for anyone.
