Ramblings of a BiPolar Mind

Feb 19th, 2019

Being bipolar can really suck at times.

You can wake up completely happy then mot even a minute ate be so low that you feel like crying.  Why does this happen? How can I make it stop without being so drugged up that I have no feelings at all?

The medication I was given when I moved out here made me feel more numb than I ever felt before and that was a month after the loss of my dad, the 2nd death in a very long line in a short amount of time.  I had a Eason to feel numb but I didn’t want to so I made bad decisions and tried to feel something, anything and yet here I am 3 years later and now I can’t make that bad decision right.  I have tried to make things work a second time and it’s just not working anymore.  I can’t even “fake it” to make it.  I know I need to talk to someone about everything but then I get accused of making stuff up…long story.

I have tried to tell him that I want him to leave, yes even come straight out and said go and don’t come back but he won’t. He doesn’t make me happy, hasn’t in a while and yet I know it will all be my fault for “leading him on”; for “using him”…and anything else he can come up with to blame me for everything falling apart again. I want life back in me. I want to feel again and I just can’t with him always bringing me down.  What can I do to change things?  How can I make him understand it’s not just him it’s both of us and if I’m not in it emotionally then I can’t be in it physically.  It doesn’t work that way.   I have been accused of “cheating emotionally”, having feelings for other people, other people having feelings for me…I’m tired of it all.  I don’t like being an emotionless rock, a glass wall that can shatter at any minute.  I may show emotions here and there but they aren’t all real. I want real emotions again. 

My youngest makes me happy, but I need more than just his little smiles in my life.  I want friends, real friends not just online ones, but people I can have come over and not feel like I’m going to be accused of cheating because they come over at night. I shouldn’t be afraid to have someone here and being watched on the cameras. They are here for my child’s safety, not to spy on me…yes spy; I said it. That’s how I feel; like I’m being watched in the living room and my son’s room at night.  If I turn them off I get asked why, then accused of doing something I don’t want being watched. They should be off when I’m home and awake. I can see keeping them on while we sleep but they aren’t even recording so it’s kinda pointless to have them on unless you sit there and watch them “live” and then again it’s spying.

Wow this whole thing just made a major turn…me and my bipolar mind.  I think I need to shut it off for now. Thanks for reading…and I know you will.

Life when you don't trust people sucks FUKITOL pills

Doesn't that just say it all?  For the 2 years I have been working (7 1/2 years with the same company) with major pain.  I had a workers comp claim started over years ago when the pain first started, was seeing a few doctors for it only to be told after a year of therapy and acupuncture that its just "tennis elbow".  I'm sorry, I call BS!

Tennis elbow do you believe that?  I have had the same and I do mean SAME pain for over 3 years...it has lightened up a little here and there but the pain is CONSTANT. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE I talk to about the pain I have says the SAME thing...Carpal Tunnel.  Not only carpal tunnel, but also Arthritis. So what does this mean for me?  One is correctable by having surgery done, how on Earth do you correct or decrease the pain from Arthritis?

Typing...my job, the only thing in the World I am very qualified for has ruined my life.  What do I do if they decide I can't do it for a living anymore? I'm scared that I will lose my job and not be able to support my kids' needs.  Raising 3 kids is a lot easier than raising 2 adults (both disabled) and 1 child (also disabled) and a husband (who doesn't work) on a small or no income.  I'm scared to death!  My stress level in the past 3 weeks has gone from 50% to 75% with a steady incline due to the recent discovery of my failing drug test for work.  Oh yeah...me...little no drugs almost ever had a dirty test.  Wanna know the funny part?  It was for ibuprofen with codeine...not mine but my oldest son's pain meds.  So I'm fuked if they decide to fire me for a dirty test.  HOW DO I GET MYSELF INTO THIS SPOTS?  Oh yeah, my husband told me if the pain is that bad take this to help ease it...well it didn't ease the pain even a little bit.

I'm waiting to see what corporate says about my dirty test, along with my workers comp (2nd time) claim...should be interesting either way.

Oh P.S.

I have an open account in GoFundMe.  If you would like to donate for any reason, I'm hoping to raise enough money (yes but not for me) to have my dad (who I found 1 year ago) and my brother (who I found a few months ago) come visit me.  It's cheaper to have them come to me than to have my whole family go see them...and I have looked into all forms of travel from Bus, rental car, Train and Airplane.  It is a lot cheaper for them to travel to me...train is about $1500 each round trip plus hotel. I put a small cushion in there just in case they want to do some fun stuff out here with the family. Please take a look and donate if you can or spread the word so others can help.  If you were asking I would help you anyway I could.  Any money left over after the trips will be donated to another person/family in need so the money will not go to waste..  Thank you in advance!

Also, shirts are still being sold...sizes are listed on the shirt page. 

Welcome to 2014

So far this year hasn't been as bad as last year.

Last month we had a scare.  Anthony just after his birthday got sick and just kept getting worse as the days passed.  After a week he was so sick he was throwing up so I called off that day and ended up taking him to the hospital to get chacked out. They kept us there 3 days.  He had gotten some kind of blood infection and it had everyone freaked out.  They still don't know how he got it or how long it had been in his system but it's gone now.  He's back to his normal happy child, making messes all over the place.

The year ended ruff for me, with him being sick, I came home from the hospital and I got sick, my other 2 kids were sick...it was just a bad house to be in.

The season just felt off for me.  I had found out that a dear friend of mine had passed away back in October (didn't find out until after Thanksgiving) and hearing the news put me into a slight depression.  We had never met in person, had always said we were going to but never did.  The last time was because he had gotten sick.  Hearing the news of his death hit a lot of his friends hard.  I had known im for close to 15 years so losing him is hard.  I miss his texts, R.I.P. Tony, you'll never be forgotten.

Along with his passing a few of my online DS families have lost members of their families, including a few children...R.I.P. Little Angels. 

I have reconnected with a few people that have been missing from my life.  1 being my old high school friend, Rebecca (Becky) who just recently cameback to California a few weeks ago.  She's already been over for a small get together...had a great night!

2nd being my best friend from Elementry school and Jr. High.  I had missed her so much, she was like my sister from another mother (her mom and my mom have the same name so we all became close).  I found out that her mom and brother passed away.  I missed out on so much of her life, I'm glad Amy is back even if we haven't seen each other yet.

3rd. The one person I have tried to find for years.  I thought he was dead because I couldn't find any trace of him and trust me I looked for a long time.  I never gave up.  I had found his brother on facebook, sent him a letter (snail mail), no reply and it was never returned. I messaged him on facebook, again no reply. I found this person's son and found out he was still alive.  My heart stopped! Finally after looking for 20 years I found the one person I never should have let go of. Now we talk and its great.

Day 12...hmmm what to rename these

Today I went back to work, behind but quickly caught up and now waiting for the other people to enter in my reports.  Yep, story of my life.

My headache is finally gone!  YES!!! 4 days, a bunch of pain meds later it's finally gone!  Sore throat is still there and my voice fades in and out but hey at least my headache is gone.

My mom and sister had lunch with my daughter today (late birthday present for her) and I guess my mom gave my sister some papers leaving her in charge if something were to happen during the surgery she's having done today.

I'm not bugged by this, to be honest I have a lot to deal with but to be put after my brother-in-law, that hurts.  Both my husband and my sister's husband should have been last on the list, not second.  I'm family! They don't want to make a hard choice regarding my mother's health.  I'm sorry but who other than family should do that?

I may have kids, but I have always been there if my family needed me, always been the first to step up for anything important, yet I'm last on her list.  I guess that really says where I fit in in her eyes...yes folks it hurts but hey it's been like that for a long time so I've dealt with the pain.

Maybe that's where my numbness comes from, always putting my feelings aside to make others happy.

Well, it's that time again, time to shut it down and head home to the people that love me...

Day 11 of working on myself

Maybe I should change the name of these posts or I'm at some point going to have 1000+.

Monday, I was sick so I stayed home in bed almost the whole day except when we took the baby to school...which made me feel sooo bad for doing.  He cried and sat on the ground while we drove away.  It's heart breaking to see him like that. :0(

My banana cream pie, still untouched should eat it tonight I think.

Day 10 of working on myself

I wasn't able to post or really type at all this weekend.  If I wasn't dealing with a sick baby I was dealing with my own sickness and my husband's.

That's right, Mother's Day and I got sick.  Not just sick, major headache, fever, sore throat...the works.  My Mother's Day consisted of watching my husband (who got up after I went to bed and went to the living room) sleep on the couch.  I wake up to day 2 of my headache with no end in site and I got in the shower, hoping to release it some, didn't work.  Go out to the living room, see hubby sleeping, and the door unlocked.

My oldest left the house and my middle child was still sleeping so I yelled at her to get up (it was 8:30 by this time).  She told me she had already taken her meds and that my husband had seen them both in fact take their meds.  Ok, fine so she went back to bed?  I don't think so!  Get your lazy butt up!

The baby and I go and sit on  the couch, watching tv...his fave show of course...when my older kid walks in about 9:30 like nothing was going on.

He then starts to tell Cyndi that she didn't get up in time so she shouldn't be eating breakfast rule is if your not up by 8:00 no breakfast and lunch isn't until 11:3-12).  I don't want the kitchen to be an all day eat-fest with a few minutes between here and there where they try to sneak in a snack.  Sorry KITCHEN IS CLOSED!

He like me wasn't around when she got up so he figured the same thing, that she didn't get up, but in cause your wondering, I am the mom and he doesn't need to remind her so I told him she was awake before 8 and to stop bugging her.

Off to a great start! Hubby, still sleeping through all this, doesn't budge.

I get the baby's meds and mine and make sure he takes them, then I start to make him some breakfast...hot oatmeal, because it's easy on his throat.  He eats almost all of it 1 /2 packets) and wants down, I eat a different kind at the same time as he doesn't like me eating if he's on the floor.

So we're both done eating and I clean up our dishes, mind you neither kid has done their chores as of yet and we go back to watching tv.  He's getting tired so I look for his sippy and his blanket and start walking back to the bedroom, he follows me he's my shadow on the weekends) and watches me make his bed, put his stuffies on there and he grabs his chicka from the living room and put her to bed then crawls in next to her.  Yep, he does this each time we put him to bed now.

He loves the fact that he can get in and out of his bed without our help.  He doesn't get up and play with stuff, unless he's not really tired and that has only happened 1 maybe 2 times since we changed his bed over.

I go back out into the living room, hubby is now awake, and start to watch tv (shows I've recorded over the past week or so). Now everyone wants something from me...both kids want to play on the computer, ipad etc. I tell them thank you all very much for making this day such a great day for me.  Hubby yells at the kids for making me feel like shit and not thinking of me on Mother's Day....umm yeah, he yells at them but he's the one who slept in most of the day.  We're both sick, but I'm still up doing stuff for my family because if I don't it won't get done.

Well, a few hours go by, baby wakes up and comes back to my lap. Dinner time is almost upon us now.  Hubby tells me he has to go to the store and asked me what I wanted for dinner...I said it doesn't matter.  My daughter had left during this time and was gone about an hour.  He goes to the store, picks up a few bags of stuff and walks back in the door a few steps in front of my very hot and sweaty daughter.  He saw her walking and just let her walk the rest of the way...nice guy right?  It's like 100 outside and he lets her walk home.

She took her only money, walked down to the store and got me fudge cookies (which melted on the way back so she stuck them in the freezer before giving them to me) and a card that she made...last minute but hey she at least did something for me.  I told her tank you for both, then she hands me a box, with a few things inside...most of which I had given her over the past few years...ok now she's trying too hard.  The thought was there but sorry don't regift something that was given to you by the person your giving it to...it's just wrong.  I told her it was a nice idea but I don't need them.

How do you tell someone nicely that it's rude?

I'm not sure if there is a nice way to say it really and not hurt the other person's feelings.

Dinner was beef brisket, red potatoes, veggies and rolls, he got me a banana cream pie for desert but I still wasn't feeling too well so we didn't have it.

Yes, that was Mother's Day for me.  What can I say, my family loves me...at times. lol

Day 9 of working on myself

The past few days I have been busy so I haven't been able to really post on here. I have a sick baby and husband at home and for the past few days I have been taking NyQuil at night and it leaves me drained the next day, by the time it wears off it's time to go home and I have a few things to do before I do that.

So needless to say I haven't had the energy to type. Ok there, I said it, I got lazy...better?

I'll finish this later...so until then...to be continued